Hello readers, far and beyond.
This is your new blogger speaking , coming to interrupt your regularly scheduled panicking to bring you a brand new blog that no one asked for, and not quite sure you need. But hey, you’re here.
So something’s gone wrong, maybe you’ve spilt wax on the carpet and need to know how to lift it (it’s either baking soda or vinegar-I’m not sure) or you want to know how to ask out your crush…okay let’s avoid that. But what you all have in common is you’re in need. You’re desperate, so desperate that you resort to the most endless, unreliable source of information known to man: the internet. It’s a beautifully disturbing thing. The place to find the answers to all of your problems. And gives you a whole bunch of new ones. I mean do we even need to bring up that picture you saw when you were 12? Nah, I don’t want to relive it either.
Oh yeah, CPR is 30 chest presses to the beat of staying alive. Good thing I did that one-day crash course on first aid. I got your back buddy. Oh right, sorry I got off topic! Well everyone has these moments of pure ‘What-the-hell-happened-how-am-I-capable-of-this-muckery’. I mean bloody hell I didn’t even think that that’s possible within the laws of physics! And yet, it happens to you. Because despite everything we plan and everything that goes right for us, one thing is inevitable. Disaster! Burning dinner…that you’ve made for the in-laws…that you’re meeting for the first time. Oh wow did I just say that to them?! Yeah, that was embarrassing, and this is where I (hopefully) come in. You see I have happened to mess up so many times that one may call me an expert. Okay, so I see you’re not impressed, but I promise I’m going somewhere with this. So I mess up, just like we all do! What comes in handy for you is that I did it first, so it automatically gives you a ‘What not to do’ guide of the particular disaster you find yourself in-with the oh-so hilarious wit of mine thrown in! Now you are a lucky one.
Oh dear, please don’t say that. To anyone. Too late? Just laugh it off and blame it on the obvious sarcasm that anyone would be stupid to miss! See? What did I tell you? Now just remember, listen to your fairy god-you-just-saved-my-ass mother and it might just help you survive the end of the world, whatever it may be.
Wishing myself (bad) luck,